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Back To School Series Part 2: Start With Joy

Start With Joy

You open your child's homework folder to find another math sheet that's due the next day. You take one look and roll your eyes. Here we go again. You muster as much patience and courage as you can because you know what's coming. The yelling. The tears. It's become a nightly ritual that no one wants and no one can seem to escape.

Math anxiety is real and can be developed once grade level expectations far exceed a child's ability to achieve success. If you've witnessed your child cry, yell, or shut down while doing math homework, you know math anxiety all too well. Anxiety and frustration remarkably limit something called working memory. Working memory is a type of short-term memory that is responsible for skills such as reasoning, judging, and decision making. The moment your child becomes overwhelmed, frustrated, or anxious their ability to access their working memory is restricted. Without working memory your child cannot work. 

It's crucial that children feel successful. At school, success may be measured by completing an assignment, or getting a good grade. The good news is, that when our children are at home we get to define success by our own measures. 


Defining And Measuring Success

There are three steps to keep in mind in order to reduce, and eventually avoid, tears when doing homework. 

Set A Goal First
Before beginning the assignment, let your child know that math homework time will be different. Instead of focusing on getting the right answers, the focus will be on their mindset. Have your mathematician set a goal that focuses on strategies that can help them work through anxiety and frustration. Some examples could be:

  • I will use my words when feelings start. (I am starting to get angry now.)
  • I will take deep breaths when I start to get frustrated. 
  • I will ask for a short break when I get stuck. 
  • When I make a mistake I will tell myself something positive.
Focus On The Goal
As your child works, focus primarily on the goal that was set. What you say during this time will help them learn when and how to use their chosen strategy. Ways to do that can include:
  • Pointing our opportune moments to try the goal. (This would be a good time to try...)
  • Modeling the goal. (Wow. I could really use some deep breaths right now. This is how I do it.)
  • Celebrating the goal. (Thank you for telling me that you are starting to get angry now. I am really proud of you for using your words.)
Celebrate Progress
After working, it is time to celebrate. Do not skip this step. This is when your child gets to hear all the ways they were successful attempting their goal. Your goal is to talk to them in the way that you want them to eventually talk to themselves. I always start with the phrase I am proud of you and then give them specific examples of how they worked toward their goal. For example, 
  • You took a break when 6+5 got frustrating and then again when you lost track of drawing the circles.
  • Drawing the number line was tough and you remembered to take some deep breaths. 
  • When you were working on problem three you reminded yourself to try it in a different way. 
Over time you can point out progress across days. 
  • Just last week you needed to take 5 breaks, but today you only needed 3! 
  • On Tuesday drawing the number line was tough for you, but today you drew it so quickly. 

We cannot replicate school in our homes. We can support what is done, but we cannot recreate it. Our children will have many teachers along their journey, but they have a very limited number of parents. Our role is different, our goals for our children are different and what we do at home should reflect that. 

Upcoming Parts In This Series

Part 3: Less Is More
Part 4: Teamwork Makes The Dream Work
Part 5: Success Isn't A Straight Line

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